Dealing with grief- 10 personal tips that helped me during the grieving process

Grief is defined as “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.” If you or someone you know has dealt with grief you know that it is more than sorrow.  Everyone deals with grief in a different way however everyone does go through the grieving process.

Five stages of grief: (Article explaining the stages more     deeply if you're Interested) 

1.Denial

2.Anger

3.Bargaining

4.Depression

5.Acceptance

 

(Some people argue that they are seven stages of grief in the seven-step model shock comes first and testing is between the testing stage is between depression and acceptance)

 

A few years ago, my best friend, Melanie Lawrence passed away at the age of twenty-two. Her death was sudden and a shock. I had a really hard time coping with her loss. Over the years handling the pain has gotten easier but it is still there. I dealt with so many emotions trying to accept what happened.

I wish I had all the answers but I will share somethings that did help me with the grief process.

 

1. Allow yourself to feel. People mean well and they will tell you to “stay strong”. I feel like staying strong is meant for the acceptance phase. You have to allow yourself to cry, scream, feel those feelings.

2. Reach out for help. I wasn’t able to handle all of the feelings on my own, I started talking with a therapist and even went on medication for a year after her death. The healing process isn’t a quick one and it is okay to reach out to family, friends and professionals.

3. Honor their memory. You can honor their memory by just thinking about them or doing something every year for them. Every year on Melanie’s birthday I go outside and talk directly to her looking up at the sky. I also take her favorite bottle of wine and pour it out on the grass for her. This does cause me to cry every year but it does feel good to honor her memory.

4. Make sure you are taking care of your own needs. Those feelings can sometimes be so intense that you can forget to take care of yourself. Make sure you are still drinking water, eating meals and sleeping.

5. You don’t owe anyone anything. Melanie died at such a young age and so suddenly that people did have questions, I received multiple messages everyday from people I didn’t even know asking me what happened, at first I felt obligated to tell people what happened but it became so overwhelming that I talked to my therapist about it and she told me “You don’t owe any of those people an explanation. You don’t have to message them back, the really important people will know what happened, you are not responsible for letting everyone know.”

6. Your feelings are normal and you’re not alone. Although grief can push us to such a dark place that it feels like insanity, those feelings are part of the grief process, you are not going crazy. It is important to reach out to other people you are not alone in this process, there are people who care about your feelings and will help in any way they can.

7. It comes in waves. Somedays are better than others dealing with grief and somedays those feelings hit you so hard you feel like you’ll never come up again. Remember when dealing with the bad days that you won’t feel like this forever.

8. You are more than your trauma. You will survive this pain; you will feel whole again someday. Your grief is a part of you but not all of you. Keep going, keep trying.

9. They wouldn’t want you to feel this way. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to feel so depressed that you couldn’t eat, they would want you to enjoy your life. This also belongs in the acceptance phase and is more easily said than done.

10.They are watching over you. If you believe in this type of thinking there is some comfort in thinking that your loved one is watching over you and protecting you. It also brings me some comfort thinking they are watching over me because it’s like they didn’t truly leave.

 

I hope that my tips can help someone, and remember if you are fortunate enough to have never dealt with grief personally to be kind, and offer help to others who are dealing with grief. I didn’t promise that I had the answers and the last thing I wanted to do with this list was offend anyone, I wish you luck on your journey.  

 

I found an interesting video that talks about five things you didn’t know about grief.

What is burnout and how do you avoid it?

Psychologist Herbert Freudenberger coined the term burnout in 1974 according to The National Center for Biotechnology Information “[Fredenberger] used it to describe the consequences of severe stress and high ideals in “helping” professions. Doctors and nurses, for example, who sacrifice themselves for others, would often end up being “burned out” – exhausted, listless, and unable to cope.” 

Today the term burnout is used to describe a person who is experiencing pressure that causes them so much stress and exhaustion they are unable to cope with everyday life. (Basically they can’t even) Professionals today still debate the exact definition, but the general consensus is that burnout causes mental, physical and emotional exhaustion from extreme and prolonged stress.

People who are dealing with burnout feel like they have nothing left to give, the stress is so intense it makes even small daily activities hard to accomplish. They often become pessimistic and may feel hopeless. They tend to isolate themselves, and feel irritable. Some people can experience “escape fantasies” where they fantasize about running away and starting a new life and in some extreme cases people turn to drugs and alcohol to numb themselves.

Now that we understand the basics about burnout here are 10 tips on how to avoid burnout.

1.)     Don’t push yourself too hard. It is important to try but understand that you are only human and no one expects perfection from you 24-7. It’s okay to make mistakes and ask for help.

2.)    Schedule free time. Even if it’s only 30 minutes a day allow yourself time to relax. You could take a nap, or catch up with your favorite shows.

3.)    Set boundaries. I often struggle with this myself but you are allowed to say no to people. Your workload will often feel challenging but if it feels overwhelming reach out for help and understand your limits.

4.)    Find your work life balance. Manage your time you can create a work schedule and stick to that schedule.

5.)    Take care of your basic needs. Make sure you are taking care of your body like drinking water, exercising and eating a balanced diet.

6.)    Play to your strengths. Working on something you feel passionate about makes your work feel more rewarding and less like a chore.

7.)    Be realistic. You know how much you’ll realistically accomplish in one day, instead of putting a huge task off until the last-minute schedule time to work on a project in smaller parts.

8.)    Get enough sleep. Sleep is critical for your health, the typical adult needs eight hours of sleep a night.

9.)    Do something for yourself. Do something that makes you happy that doesn’t involve work, this could be eating your favorite meal, starting a new hobby or even shopping.

10.)  Talk to people. It’s important to express your feelings instead of bottling them up. Other people could offer help or new ideas for your project. If they can’t help it still feels good to vent out your frustrations.  

11.) Reflect. Think about what tasks are really important and try to cut out unnecessary tasks that are adding to your workload. You should also take time to think about how you’re going about completing your work and if you could get the same results an easier way.

Overall, the key takeaways I’ve noticed from researching burnout are that is it critical to manage your stress levels before you reach the point of burnout. It is okay to ask for help, even in a professional setting you can schedule a private meeting with your supervisor and work out a plan for dealing with your workload. Remember that you aren’t perfect mistakes will happen, you only have one life take time for yourself.

I found this crash course about dealing with burnout in the workplace that offers helpful tips and advice on the topic.

7 signs someone is lying to you

I picked to put this subject in my mental health vlog because when someone it doesn’t feel good to be lied to, it can be stressful thinking about why someone is lying and if you care about that person their lies will have negative consequences on your own mental health. 

1.      Vague stories- when someone is lying, they are less likely to give details about a story they might just say “I was at Sarah’s house last night” and that is the end of the story. No details, and they aren’t conversational about the topic like if you usually ask someone “Where did you go last night?” someone who is telling the truth will be more likely to respond with more details like “I went over to Sarah’s last night, Ben was in town and we ordered a bunch of Chinese food for dinner and after I was so full, I feel asleep on her sofa.”

2.       Inconsistency- this is a huge red flag for example if someone tells you about this crazy party they went to with their friend and then later on the conversation resurfaces and certain elements of the story has changed that person is lying.

3.       Exaggerated expressions- when someone is lying, they will exaggerate their facial expressions to seem like they feel upset or angry or whatever emotion they need to betray so people think they feel strongly and won’t question the lie. The facial expressions also might seem like they are lasting longer than they typically would.

4.       Not maintaining eye contact- this one can be tricky because we don’t stare deeply into everyone’s eyes while we talk but if the eye contact feels like it’s drifting often even when you’re looking into their eyes or the person isn’t even looking at you while they tell you a story most likely they are lying.

5.       A lot of blinking- research has shown that a lot of blinking is tied to trying to hide emotions and stress. That research can be found here

6.       What they are saying doesn’t match up with what they are showing. If someone is telling you a sad story and only their face looks sad but their body language, isn’t they might be lying. This could also work in the opposite like if someone is slumped over but smiling when they talk. Body language is very critical part of communication.

7.       Nervous- do they look and or act nervous when telling you something they shouldn’t have a reason to be nervous over? They are probably nervous because of the lie.  

10 Tips On Improving Your Self-esteem

 Self-esteem is the confidence you have in yourself, in your abilities and in your self-worth. Everyone’s self-esteem fluctuates, it’s part of being human.

Tip one: Stop using negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is when you say or think bad things about yourself. You are not stupid, you are not ugly, you are not worthless. I know online it’s normal for people to call themselves “human trash” but that isn’t cool or quirky it’s honestly damaging to your self-esteem.

Tip two: Put less thought into what other people think of you. I’m aware that it’s difficult to stop caring about what other people think of you but think of it this way: more likely than not other people aren’t analyzing you as much as you’re analyzing yourself. I’ll have mini panic attacks over something awkward I said ten years ago and I bet the people that heard me say that don’t even remember that happening. Do you remember something awkward someone else did ten years ago? Most likely not, stop being so hard on yourself.

Tip three: Let the past go. Working off of my point in tip two people probably don’t remember that awkward thing you did. Also, you aren’t that person anymore, the past is in the past and try as we might we can’t change it now. Dwelling on past mistakes will only damage your current self, use past mistakes as learning opportunities and grow from them.  

Tip four: Be prepared. If an upcoming event like an interview is making you feel anxious do some research on the company, you can also research mock job interview questions to have a thought-out response instead of just coming up with something on the fly. Another example of being prepared is if you’re going somewhere new look into the area to relieve your anxiety, you can map out where to park and how long it will take you to get there, things of that nature.

Tip five: Look good, feel good. It’s true when you think you look good you feel better about yourself. Spend a few extra minutes getting ready in the morning, wear your favorite outfit.

Tip six: Set boundaries and stick to them. You know what you are comfortable doing and what you’re not. This doesn’t mean never step out of your comfort zone but if your gut is telling you to not do something you should probably listen to it. This could also apply to when you say “no” to someone sticking to that answer, you don’t have to make yourself feel bad for saying no.

Tip seven: Remove toxic people from your life. Sadly, not all people have good intensions, some people just use people. If you have someone in your life that upsets you regularly, isn’t a good friend, belittles you, things of that nature remove that person from your life. Their energy is only dragging you down.

Tip eight: It’s okay to fail at something. Allow yourself to be a beginner when trying something new. Failure is a part of life, use it as a learning opportunity and try again.

Tip nine: Forgive yourself. Mistakes happen, it is okay.

Tip ten: Think of the things you are good at. Everyone is good at something, even if it is something small be proud of the things you can do well. For example, I can make a great quesadilla, will that change the world? No but it does make me feel good about my cooking abilities.

Overall be kind to yourself! You can do anything!

What is gaslighting?! 10 examples to help you identify gaslighting

The term gaslighting actually comes from a 1938 play called “Gaslight”. The story is about a husband that manipulates his wife into thinking she is going crazy by dimming their gas-fueled lights in their house, and telling her the lights aren’t changing. The husband convinces the wife that she is hallucinating due to a mental illness.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation (can be psychological abuse) where someone makes you question your sanity, perception of reality, and or your own memories. Gaslighting typically happens slowly so it can be hard to spot. People gaslight other people to control them, make people dependent on them and gain power.

Gaslighting is a hard concept to understand just based the definition, the most helpful way to understand what gaslighting is through examples: (disclaimer these examples are used to the extreme and a pattern of behavior for a reason not just a once or twice thing.)

Example one: Doubting your memory. If you tell a story and someone tells you “are you sure it happened that way?” or something along the lines of “you’re remembering that wrong it happened like this…” misremembering does happen and we all have a different perception but if you are positive something happened a certain way and someone is challenging that idea, they are most likely gaslighting you. Another way this could happen would be a person telling you “remember when you did this” and it was something you’ve never done. It could be a simple case of mixing you up with someone else and if you bring up that idea and they insist it was you that person is making you question your own memories which is gaslighting. This can lead to self-doubt and confusion.

Example two: Trivializing your emotions. Someone consistently telling you that you are too sensitive and or overreacting. Sometimes it can be good to have an honest person in your life that can tell you when a situation isn’t as dramatic as you think it is but the key word here is consistently.  When someone consistently tells you that you’re too sensitive and or overreacting they are trying to make you doubt your emotions making you think something is wrong with you.

Example three: Frequently lie and exaggerate. When someone is trying to make you question your own reality they will frequently lie and exaggerate to make you feel sorry for them, question your own memory and or own behavior. This plays a key part in making their victim feel dependent on them. Some people are just liars but someone who is gaslighting will use those lies to their advantage instead of the typical reasons to lie like protecting someone’s feelings or avoiding an awkward conversation.

Example four: They escalate when challenged. People who gaslight use manipulation to control another person and have power over them. Instead of having a normal reaction to be challenged such as asking questions to better understand the other person’s point of view a person who is attempting to gaslight someone will have a strong emotional reaction. This strong emotional reaction can cause their victim to feel bad about questioning them and may cause the victim to avoid questioning in the future to avoid another “fight”.

Example five: Using stereotypes to justify their thinking. An example of this would be a male telling a female that they are overreacting to a situation because “women are so sensitive”. Using common stereotypes makes the victim question their feelings because stereotypes are ingrained in us from an early age. They can also use stereotypes about a person’s race, age, sexuality and or ethnicity.

Example six: They create codependency. The definition of codependency (according to Oxford) is: “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.”. Codependency can happen without an illness or addiction. I want to focus on the first half of the definition an excessive emotional/psychological reliance on a partner, People who gaslight often want their victims to feel dependent on them because when someone is dependent on them the victim is easier to isolate from their family/friends and they are more likely to be forgiving because they feel like they need their partner.     

Example seven: They call you names. Names like “stupid” “awkward” etc. I feel like everyone can be guilty of having a weak moment and calling someone names when they are upset or feel attacked. However, a normal person will typically apologize for these actions someone who is gaslighting uses name calling to make their victim feel less than to control them. They can also use name calling to make their victim question their reality/emotions.

Example eight: They deflect blame, in order to gaslight someone their victim has to trust them. A gaslight-er will often deflect blame to build credibility with their victim, keep the victim under their control and or make the victim feel sorry for them.   

Example nine: They give you false hope, like in example eight I said the victim has to trust the gaslight-er. If someone is constantly making you feel bad you will most likely begin to question the relationship with that person, so gaslight-ers will create false hope to make their victim feel positive before ripping them down typically. A gaslight-er can also create false hope when confronted with a problem to give the illusion that they will change for their victim.  

Example ten: They claim to know you better than you know yourself. Claiming to know someone better than they know themselves can be comforting to a victim, they could think “wow this person knows me so well.”. This claim links back to the building codependency example, and the making you doubt your memories example. The gaslight-er uses this claim to make their victim act/think a certain way because this person “knows everything about them”

I found this video that explains gaslighting and some of the signs if you’re interested in learning more about the topic.

Also the articles I used to explain what gaslighting is and the examples can be found here and here.

Overall if you think you are a victim of gaslighting, talk with others and see what they think, follow your gut, if possible, cut that person out of your life, if not possible to cut ties distance yourself and make it harder for that person to control you. You are stronger than you think, you can survive change!

Tips on Giving Advice

Has your friend ever come to you for advice and you just didn’t know what to say? This happened to me the other day when my friend called after she got into an argument with her boyfriend. It would have been easy for me to tell her to just break up with that loser already but I know that wasn’t what she needed to hear in that moment. This argument wasn’t relationship ending worthy it was just worthy of a talk at a later date. I made a list of things that help me give advice to other people.

Tip one: Be present. Even if you’re feeling angry or upset at the situation put those emotions aside to avoid giving rash or rushed advice. If you need a few seconds to breathe take that time to center yourself.

Tip two: Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine yourself in the same position as your friend, what would you do if you were them? For example, my friend called me because of a disagreement between her and her boyfriend over housework. If you have ever lived with a significant other or even had a roommate this is a situation you’ve probably been in. I had to let my personal bias about her boyfriend go and think about a reasonable reaction to that situation.

Tip three: Listen. Sometimes when people are asking for help, they really just need someone to vent to. Also, this isn’t a debate, you aren’t expected to always have the answers, say what you feel comfortable saying.

Tip four: Keep it conversational. I know that it is easy to get emotional when someone close to you is going through something but your anger isn’t going to help the situation at the moment. Like I said before this isn’t a debate.

Tip five: Let them lead the conversation. It can be easy to go on and on about the situation because it feels like gossip to you at the time. If they keep talking about the situation keep offering advice and or keep active listening, and if they change the subject unless you just thought of the best idea ever, talk about the new topic.

Tip six: Remember whatever choice they make is up to them. You can offer advice on what they should do but try to not take it personally if things don’t work out the way you wanted them to.

Tip seven: Sometimes it’s best to divide and conquer. When someone who is clearly upset asks me for advice, I will tell them some sugar-coated advice and if the situation requires, I’ll call or text them again later or the next day when they have calmed down and offer the more real/tough love advice. There is no reason to kick someone who is already down.

Tip eight: Give them resources to connect with someone else. It could be something as simple as oh our mutual friend had the same problem last month maybe you should ask them. Sometimes when you think your friend should seek professional help it isn't always easy to tell someone that they should seek out professional help but that one awkward conversation could change their own life, it's worth mentioning it. 

Tip nine: Be realistic. Chances are if the person who is coming to you for advice you know this person pretty well. Give them advice that you think they could actually follow and is in their comfort zone this one is case by case. In some cases you might have to suggest something that is out of character for them but I would save that as a last resort effort but use your best judgement here.

Overall, giving advice can be a tricky road to navigate but I hope these tips can help you out the next time someone comes to you for support. Please let me know if you have any tips for giving advice!

Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar disorder.

     This week I want to shift gears a bit and talk about mental illnesses. The words mental health and mental illness are related however they not interchangeable. Mental health is about mental well-being & mental illness is an illness that affects the way people think, act, feel and or interact with others.

     I would like to talk about a few tips on spotting mental illnesses in our friends/family members and people we interact with. The three mental illnesses I will be showing the signs for are depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I think it’s important to know these signs in others to offer help and in some cases better understand what someone else is going through. I’m also going to talk about these mental illnesses that I have seen personally.

Depression- A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

 

• Lack of energy or feeling tired all the time
• Restlessness and agitation
• Having difficulty sleeping (or sleeping more than usual)
• Change in appetite
• Smoking and/or drinking more than usual, or using drugs
• Lack of interest in sex
• Unexplained physical aches and pains
• Self-harming

 

On a personal note, I have been battling with depression my whole life, my mom told me she knows when I’m feeling down because I wouldn’t sing anymore, when I was a kid, I would sing all the time and when I was dealing with my depression, I didn’t have the energy to sing anymore. It could be something as small as that. Depression changes how people behave on a daily basis. I would also have such a lack of energy that I would stay in bed all day because I felt too tired and I would sleep for 12-15 hours at a time and would wake up not feeling rested.

 

Anxiety- A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities

 

· Excessive worrying

· Panic attacks

· Irritability

· Restlessness

· Fatigue

· Difficulty concentrating

· Tense muscles

· Trouble falling asleep and or staying asleep

· Avoiding social situations

 

Again speaking on a personal note I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. Sometimes my worrying can be so excessive that I do something known as spiraling. I would be worried about an upcoming exam, which would lead to thoughts of failing the class, which would lead to having to drop out of university, which would lead to my family disowning me which I rationally knew wouldn’t happen but my anxiety made me believe it would happen, and finally resulting in thinking that I would become homeless and have to live on the streets. My fear of failing the test had grown so strong that it felt like a matter of life and death to pass that exam. My anxiety also makes me feel extremely irritated sometimes I get so irritated that I can’t even take a trip to the grocery store without hating the entire human population just because someone was walking too slowly or lingering in front of an item I needed to get.

 

Both depression and anxiety are feelings we all have but it is important to ask “Do these feelings effect my everyday life?” and when I say effect my everyday life I mean do these feelings stop or get in the way of performing tasks that I’ve successfully completed in the past with minimal effort. An example could be that a person with depression shows a lack of interest in activities, is that lack of interest so strong that the person isn’t just bored but they no longer get joy out of something that they recently enjoyed. Is the lack of interest so strong that person just stays in bed all day?  

 

Bipolar disorder- A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs.

- Manic and depressive episodes:

The word manic in this sense means feeling extremely good, so good that the person doesn’t sleep for days on end, makes reckless decisions etc.  

- Manic episode include three or more of these symptoms:

· Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired

· Increased activity, energy or agitation

· Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria)

· Decreased need for sleep

· Unusual talkativeness

· Racing thoughts

· Distractibility

-The depressive episodes show the signs of depression, strong enough to disrupt daily activities. These depressive episodes usually happen right after a manic episode, so this person goes from feeling on top of the world to the deepest lows.

 

A personal experience I have with bipolar there was a person close to me when I was a young child (I don’t want to expose them so I won’t say who) who was dealing with bipolar disorder and as a young child I didn’t know that this behavior was strange I just thought that is who they are. I would spend days with this person and some of the days were very go go go! We would go shopping and to the zoo and to the movies all in one day, and there were other days when they wouldn’t want to get out of bed and they would just put on cartoons for me and I would leave them alone, like I said as a young child I didn’t know going from one extreme to the other wasn’t a normal thing I just did whatever that person told me to do that day.

 

   Overall you aren’t alone in feeling these emotions and or knowing someone who has, open conversations about mental illnesses is one step forward to ending the stigma around mental illnesses.